Here is a drawing of my sister, she is on the left, and I am in the flower dress. We had a difficult relationship. It lacked empathy, wracked with emotional tension, awful damaging jealousy and long, long silences. She was ten years older than me. And at sixteen she had a baby, and I was only six.
Our parents were overall loving, they worked hard and aspired to own the house. My sister had other plans. She gave up on education, seeked out alcohol, became a life long smoker and sadly attracted violent men. It was a difficult path to follow. My parents helped, I was farmed out to relatives to be looked after, while our parents 'dealt' with my sister. I never felt resentful, just confused, as no one ever told me what was happening to her. She left home at sixteen to live with our aunt, and she never came home again. I became a single child.
As life went on I became successful at school, went on to train as a teacher, and had lots of fun as a youngster. My sister became jealous of me, and thats when I had problems with her. She criticised everything I did, and was so awful at my wedding that I had to totally ignore her. It was a distressing and painful experience.
Because of her jealousy we did not talk for years. When I'd had enough of the silence I took a bottle of gin to her house and offered some sort of truce. It worked for a short while, and then we would not talk. She had little interest in my children, and rarely asked after them.
When our mother died she wanted to move back into the family home, but my father said no ! She was so angry that she took it our on me. Our father remarried, and became a happy person. But not my sister, she hated our step mother and again cause many problems for our father. Many years later, when our step mum passed away, my sister never told me about her death or when the funeral was to be. When I phoned to ask, she said. Its over we had the funeral. I was so shocked, that I decidec to never speak to her again, that was in 2013.
Towards the end of 2025 I was in hospital, and for some reason my niece found out. She contacted me asking me to speak to her mum. My sister was very ill and becoming quite frail. So I did contact her, but our conversation revolved around strange views of Britain and nothing about ourselves or the family. It was very hard. She wanted to see me, but I didn't go. A few months later she passed away.
So, I thought family relationships would be easier, but no. My nephew and nieces didn't want my husband at the funeral, they didn't ask after their cousins, and were generally nasty to me.
So I didn't go to my sister's funeral.
I hasn't bothered me.
But it has in a way I never thought it would.
I started to draw, and draw and draw. I haven't stopped drawing since January 2026. I now have a body of work that would cover a large wall. I call it an 'out pouring'
I draw with acrylic inks, and my handmade natural inks. I work on paper and sometimes cloth. Sometimes I sew, it slows me down, which is a good thing. But drawing really helps, inks and water really help. I can feel my stomach healing, I can feel my brain healing.
Art is healing.
Here are some of my drawings.
When I started drawing, I drew twenty four pictures over a few days. Some of them are above this writing. When I was a child I never remember having birthday parties, so I gave my sister and myself party crowns to celebrate our birthdays.
The ducks are her children. The dog is our family pet, and that's another story.
Since starting this work I attended an Experimental Drawing course at Newlyn School of Art, with the artist Kate Walters. Her approach was to listen to your breath, focus on your body in particular the chakras and then draw.
Here is some of my work.
This way of working has opened new ways of seeing my art process. I have been reading Carl Jung, Alice Miller, James Hillman and Marie-Louise von Franz. Researched the art of Ken Kiff, Charlotte Salomon, Joseph Beuys and Picasso. Visited The National Gallery to see early renaissance painting. Visited The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge also to see any renaissance art. Fairy tales are now part of my reading list too.
